I genuinely am afraid to feel happy. Can you imagine that?
My therapist said it is selective perception. My childhood was filled with all sorts of memories, but the only ones I remember are the bad ones. He convinced me they couldn’t have been all that bad, they just couldn’t. But it is too late to go back in time and say, I want to remember now and then remember.
But maybe there have been good memories, I cannot remember, but it doesn’t make the bad memories any less bad! The bad was so much, it did cancel out the good. It cancelled it so much and buried it so much.
This left me searching..
Yes there are many corny quotes about creating your own happiness. But that’s exactly what I did. I searched far and wide for happiness. I searched within myself and searched in other people. I kept trying so hard to build new memories and stay away from new bad ones (Then I made many many many new bad ones). I have enough bad to last a life time. It wasn’t easy. In fact I looked crazier in this search of happiness than my normal batshit crazy craziness. Many took my character as flighty. Unsettled. But I actually did find a happiness formula that works.
I had been wired to do what society demanded of me. I even had a hard time in school when people pushed my buttons on behalf of my parents and Jesus Christ. But when i started doing what was best for me, not as a rebel but as someone who loves herself, I did what made ME happy. And it turns out I was still a great ground headed adult!
I have been so afraid of being happy because I believed I deserved to be punished. Oh what didn’t I do to punish and self sabotage myself. Every-time i came close to happiness I freaked out, ran away and ruined it all. With a great amount of help I practiced a lot of by-force self love. I tried to change me and I successfully did, but I realised I liked the old me, so I changed back again, and again because you see, humanity is that flexible if you tried. I tried to change my body, my speech, my looks, my personality, everything! I was told once i looked like my dad physically and I did everything possible to look like my mum instead. It sounds crazy, I know. But, I found that true self I really enjoyed being.
There has been a consistency in being judged. You will ALWAYS be judged, people judge what they dont understand, and its not your job to explain. To hades with what people say and just be happy!
If anyone told me seven years ago that I’ll be here, sitting in The Tav Irish bar, writing a post about how happy I am, I wouldn’t believe it. I still cannot sometimes believe I’m deserving enough. I still sometimes believe the other shoe will fall. When I make any mistakes I still find little ways to punish myself. I sometimes believe I am not good enough. But, most times, I can’t believe life has been kind to me. All through the battles and the craziness I cannot ever express, life has been good. Most times, I tell myself, the fear of happiness is a myth, but what isn’t, is my sanity.
The draught always passes, because you see, if there’s another battle after this, I know life will still be kind, and the sun will always shine.